Psalm 23; John 10:11-18
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. “I will fear no evil.” Powerful, challenging words, for there is so much that we fear. Some of what we fear is stuff we might be inclined to define as evil. Some of our fear is simply about struggle and loss that is part of being human. For parents raising children in this world where we are bombarded with reminders of danger, this biblical invitation to “fear no evil” becomes even more powerful, even more challenging. How do we find courage in the face of our fears? How do we teach courage to our children?
I am so grateful to Danielle, Kim W, Victoria, Kim L and Terri for talking with me this week about their experiences, as moms, of fear and courage and faith. I am inspired by their honesty and wisdom.
Some of the fears these moms face are basic–for safety. “When you have a baby,” Victoria remembers, “you are just trying to keep them alive. “Whether she’s in my care or not in my care,” Kim Wronski says, “keeping Amelia from getting hurt or sick is at the top of my list of fears.”
That’s a reality, I suspect, for every parent in every time and place. Right now, with the epidemic of school shootings and terror attacks, there’s an added layer of fear. “There’s the crazy fear,” Kim adds, “of a gunman running into the day care. It’s constantly on my mind.”
Danielle, who works in criminal justice, is acutely aware of the reality that awful things happen in our world. She strives, though, to balance that reality with another reality–that the world is much safer than the nightly news leads us to believe.
As children grow older, a Mom’s fear of violence is not only about safety, but about how to help them live in a world where senseless shootings–and active shooter drills–happen. “We want to make sure they don’t become desensitized,” Victoria says. “We don’t want them to be afraid, but we also don’t want it to become normal.”
Kim L remembers that her daughter Ellie was in second grade when the Sandy Hook shooting happened. Chris and Kim knew they needed to talk with her about it; they couldn’t realistically protect her from hearing about it. When they told her, Ellie’s first question was, “Did kids get hurt?” I cannot imagine how painful it must have been to have to tell her yes.
Fear about a child’s safety never goes away. As children grow older, other parental fears emerge as well, especially about how they will navigate the social world. Terri talks about her fear that, because other people don’t always understand him, Conor will be taken advantage of. “I worry,” she says, “that trust will be misplaced.” She goes on, “How do I make sure to keep my kids open to possibilities and beauty and keep them safe?”
Kim W is deeply aware of the complexities of raising a bi-racial daughter. She listens and learns as much as she can. Still she knows that as a white woman she cannot fully understand what it is like to be a person of color in our society today. “I worry that I will fall short of what she needs,” she says. “I hope I won’t, but it’s a fear.”
From conversations with friends who have older children, she is also aware that, as Amelia grows, she will face not only worries about safety but those painful fears that emerge in adolescence. “Am I enough? Am I smart enough, good enough, popular enough, attractive enough?” She and Brandon know there will be times they will have to help Amelia make sense of terrifying global tragedies. Even so, Kim imagines that more of her energy will go to helping Amelia face that deep-rooted adolescent anxiety. She will do everything she can to ensure Amelia feels loved and to help her focus on those people who love her for who she is.
I am struck by how often, in these conversations, the word “balance” is spoken. Danielle articulates her fear of getting the balance right. “I want to balance protection, showing her the way and offering her guidance, with knowing when to let Olive be her own person, with her own experiences, making her own choices.”
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Wow! The list of fears these moms identify is daunting. Woven into our conversations about fear, blessedly, is also tremendous wisdom about courage.
Sometimes courage is simply a choice not to allow fear to take over. “I take a deep breath,” Kim L says, “and then I have to move forward.” She talks about preparing Ellie to ask the right questions and to make good decisions. She has to trust that, when their family is faced with a bad scenario, they will figure it out.
Victoria talks about staying in the present. “I try not to worry about what could happen,” she says. “Instead, I focus on what is happening right now.” She also talks about trusting that her children, now young adults, have been raised with lots of love and have learned to make good choices. “They say everyone needs roots to grow and wings to fly, and we’ve done our best to give them those strong roots.” As she prepares for her youngest to leave for college, she muses about the challenge of letting go: “I don’t know how people do it, and I will do it.”
Danielle also talks about the courage to be present to what is happening in the moment. For her, the time parenting took the most courage actually happened before Olive was born. She was nine months pregnant. It was Mothers’ Day, and her family learned that her own mother, Sherry, would not live long enough to see her grand-daughter being born. It took all the courage Danielle had to stay present, “to breathe through it.” Her family needed her to stay present; she needed to stay present, and she knew that Olive, still in her womb and utterly dependent on Danielle’s physical and emotional well-being, also needed her to stay calm.
In the years since, Olive has absorbed her Mom’s wisdom about being present. One day, in school, Olive saw that a friend was upset. She went over to him and asked, “Can I help you find your breath?”
Kim W and Terriboth talk about how faith helps them find courage. “For me,” Terri says, “It’s always been about faith. God is; creation is beautiful; there is potential for beauty in everyone, even when we can’t see it.” That conviction helps her put fear into perspective. It enables her to resist rushing in to rescue her children from things that won’t cause them serious harm. She knows that life is full of pain and joy; if she tries to shield them from pain, she says, “they will not know what joy is.”
Kim W tells me that prayer is central to her ability to face fear. “I try to separate what’s in my control and what’s not, and then to let go of what’s not. I put it into God’s hands,” she says. “I start to pray. I try to pray to trust God’s plan and find peace in that…..It might take a good hour and some tears to get there,” she admits.
All five moms talk about how important the church is in helping them find courage for themselves and model courage for their children. Church, for Terri, is “a place to find connection and grounding when I am getting too caught up in worry.” Danielle is grateful to have a group of people walking with her. Kim L. is relieved when she realizes there are other people who are just as scared as she is. “We are all getting through this together,” she says. Kim W. looks up to the families with older children and youth, inspired by how comfortable they are at church and how they know they are loved.
Victoria recalls saying to one of her kids, after a very upsetting news event, “Remember, as long as we have each other, we’ll be okay together.” She comments that the church is part of that “together”–the larger community, the extended family, that helps each other get through.
After our conversation, Victoria sent me an email, adding a few thoughts about how we–moms, dads, aunts, uncles, the church–help our children feel safe in this world that feels so dangerous. Her words get to the heart of these amazing conversations with these amazing moms.
“Ultimately,” she writes, “I think it comes down to love. When we surround a child with love, at home, at church and with a knowledge of God’s love then that child grows up with an innate feeling of safety that we just have to continue to nurture. We teach them that love is stronger than hate so that when they know they are loved, the hate doesn’t get to them.”
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Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. Yea, though we walk with our children through a valley of shadows that seem full of danger–yea, though we are often afraid–,we will find courage, for Thou, O God, are with us–community that walks together, love that is stronger than hate and fear.
Amen.